***Note: This is kind of disorganized, as I just typed it as I thought of certain points; I have cut and pasted certain things that went together for a general flow.***
Fuck it indeed. I still havent forgiven the whole blowing up at me for saying "whatever" thing. Thats been my reason for ignoring you since then. The other reason? Because anyone who knows me intensely sees how this relationship wears me out. Family, counselor, etc. , and they have told me I should back off a bit.
I am tired of having to play nice because anything that I want to tell you that I think could possibly help, you'll get mad at or argue with, or listen, but not fully listen and not try it. Frankly, I am tired of giving this out to no avail, to hear the same things again, to be manipulated when your way is not gotten, and so on. If you want other answers than what I have to give, I am sorry. I don't have any more. I only have what I have learned, and if you want me to say something different to you, well it just wont happen because it isnt there.
So ultimately every time you present the same problem I can do one of two things: Sympathize for the moment, but the problem remains there and the cycle goes on. The other thing to do is get frustrated, say what I want to say, get called a meanie, and never really know whether or not I made any points worth thinking about because I am emotionally shooed away. One thing I am is determined though, and if I am mad enough, I will hold my ground for good and just stop talking entirely. I have done it before.
I just don't even know what to say. I also have a strong belief about friendship. That friendship does not come with conditions. With strings attached. If you dont talk to me, I dont trust you regardless of anything you have ever done. That to me is one of the most offensive things a person could say and the reason why I choose not to get involved most of the time. I do not ask anything of anyone and do not expect much back. What about the couple of years after school when I was at home and didnt really get to talk to anyone except for running into them, except for Kara the odd time? I still have equally trying situations at this point in my life. There wasnt any fuss about it then, but there is now. After I have explained countless times that people need to get themselves in place before they can take care of others and so pardon the not-often communication. Why?
Just for the record, you arent the only one in the group that deals with depression. Every one of us has freaking serious stuff going on and its not fair that yours is always more important. I'm sorry, but there is only so much in a person. Like Tanya was saying, we have certain priorities. Unfortunately for you, things like taking care of our health and being with our family is a little more important than anything else. I havent even seen my sister in a couple of months. I cry all night long because my body wont let me sleep, and things like this just intensify it a million times. I am often too tired to eat during the day. The time I do have off I try to spend resting, usually to no avail, because I end up worrying about things in my quiet time, or just dont get motivated to even move because I miss Owen too much during the day. He IS my family now, at least half of it. And yes, I know a lot of people deal with not seeing each other all the time. Well yes, but everyone else is not me. It affects me very seriously. I grew up with always someone in the house, and now that is gone. Owen goes out freaking one day a week and its difficult for me. I have not had time to slow down since Mom died, except for times where my body makes myself violently sick to force me to stop trying to handle everything. As much as I love my friends, I cannot give as much as I would like to them. Every single person I know is saying that I need to take care of all these crucial issues first. I dont get why ~I~ have to keep explaining myself, after all these years either.
You have a lot of gall to attack us all like this, once again, on livejournal. Didnt we go over something like that before? That if you have a problem with me, you tell me, not the computer? You know, respectfully? I understand LJ is often used for venting, but there are certain personal things that you take up with people, not post on the fucking world wide web. And dont say that youre too shy to tell us. If you were, it would be a personal post. You want people to see these things. You want to make them upset, and you cant say you dont because that is exactly what those do and you know it.
I honestly dont know what it is going to take for you to understand all this stuff. Every time I talk to you you say you understand, but then prove otherwise. I havent realized until I spoke with the counselor just how much everything I do is for everyone else, and how much it takes out of me. I realized, when I took almost a full session just on what you did last time, just how much I am effected. I have been in these types of relationships before, and it always has taken great measures to get myself to a healthy place from them. I am at the point now where I just want to say, either you change your attitude, or this ends now because I cannot take it anymore, on all levels.
You try to portray yourself as so full of virtue and just a victim. You do know a lot of things that others your age dont, but sometimes I am baffled by how sheltered you have been, and immature as a result. I know you will argue this point, but no one disagrees with me on it. To this day I am utterly dumbfounded to know that it took you until you were practically 20 years old to even eat a salad. And you wonder why you get sick? Or are depressed? What you eat affects a lot more than you know. Seriously, I dont even know how that can be ALLOWED in a household. My gawd.
This just supports the whole being sheltered theory. Jayde didnt want to eat her veggies, so we didnt make her. But now Jayde is grown up and she cant grasp the concept of some things you do just because you should, and that sometimes authority is authority for a good reason, and people tell you stuff usually for good reasons, and hey, maybe they do know something you dont that you can benefit from. For example, picking a fight with a teacher because he told you to take care of your responsibilities there (after all, we do go to school by law, so wouldnt it make sense to do what we should be doing when we're there?) and not do our own thing in class, because we dont feel like doing work, or because we think its what THEY want, and how dare they make us do what they want and not what we want, because even though they have lived more or less than twice as long as we have, they couldnt possibly TEACH us anything about anything, those dumbasses.
So when you come to us with an issue and we try to tell you you need to do something, it seems like whatever we say is only relevant for a moment and then you do the same as you did in school. It's really rather annoying. When I expend my energy to try to help someone, and then get ignored anyway, it feels as if the whole effort is just a waste of time. Maybe this is why I am not so motivated to visit? Don't get vain though, it is but a small part of it.
It's funny how you say you "have to fill the time" that we aren't there with hobbies and cleaning. What do you mean, have to? I wish I had the time or energy to even do those things. I no longer have a pole to use, and I wont be able to play my guitar as much in the new place, if I can even still afford lessons, and that pretty much takes away what little time I had for hobbies in the first place. And with only getting to see Owen for about half a day a week, I would give that time first to him anyway. And geezus, to hear the phrase "I had to clean" bothers me so much. What did you do growing up, anyway? Me and my sister took care of our household since less than ten years old, and I took care of my own mother and our house completely in the last several years. Owen grew up on a farm and knows hard work. I don't know how to relate to people who dont train this way. I don't see how one can prepare for the busyness of life otherwise.
If you notice in everyone's responses, it is all hinting at you to do something. Sure its easy to say, this is your fault, so YOU fix it, when one has a problem. Honestly, I am tiring of all this YOU shit. I've seen way too many blamers in my lifetime, and I really, really can't stand it. I love how some people's immediate response to anything is to say someone else did it. There are things that just come from really rotten people, and yes, it is from them being stupid and sometimes really doesnt have anything to do with you. But you have to remember, what I have said zillions of times....that everything in your life happens for a reason, and you learn from it. Fighting things kind of defeats the purpose of learning. Because if you aren't open, nothing will come inside. If you want to challenge that, then no wonder crappy stuff keeps happening. It will continue to do so until you get the point.
If everyone went: "Fuck all of those people who I don't see regularly, have not seen in the last two months, and only see for holidays and special occasions.", do you honestly think anyone in the world would have anyone in their lives?" I HAVEN'T SEEN HALF THE PEOPLE I KNOW IN YEARS. And you know what? I still trust them. Because I know all that they have done for me and I still love them for it. To just write off someone just because I havent seen them in a while is unthinkable. There are people still on my email contact list who havent talked to me since high school. Why? Because I still run into the odd person every so often, and maybe I might need those addresses. Anyone who has crossed the path of my life is always still on the road somewhere, unless if they cross me. I guess I used to naïvely assume that any decent person thought this way.
"You know, my life picks up, and perhaps I have more on my plate than I anticipated for this time, so I haven't managed to call everyone, I haven't felt that I had the time." What, so nobody else except you is living? "Obviously you have the time to read my livejournal..." Um no, I usually dont. I see these because people tell me they're there. I hadnt freaking posted in months because it just wasnt worth it. And so when I do, I may or may not see other people's entries. Half the time you write these things I dont even know they're there for a long time. Once again the point of, if you want me to know, why not tell me? It would be quite ironic for you if nobody did check this thing.
"I mean, think of how it went during summers and in school. Kara, for example. I'd go to her house, we'd sleep over, we'd yap until all hours of the night, watch movies, draw and write side by side until we couldn't do it anymore. We could just talk and talk about stuff in our past, stuff we did all day, our realizations and our happy things and the stuff that gave us our own complexes. Can you tell me that you don't miss that? Or that it's not of any value?" That freaking pisses me off. Aww, boo. Not as much FUN time anymore. :( Bloody hell. Am I supposed to say poor you? What about those of us that never even got that? And to say, just because we don't have as much time for it now (cuz gee, we're not sheltered by a short school schedule and comfort of parents homes' anymore and have to live now?) that, oh, it doesnt fucking mean anything anymore? Are you mad? Honestly, how can you assume that? ANOTHER thing that is so horribly offensive to me! And I didn't even get to participate in practically all of that those years ago.
"It's someone you see OFTEN" you emphasize, in your definition of "friend". No, not really. Not at ALL, in fact. Really, if that was my definition of the word, I'd put quotes on it too, because that's such a load of crap. That's another thing that is just so horribly offensive it's sick. And its hurtful for you to assume that we dont want to hang out with you, when we just cant. You say you have no friends? Well, keep this attitude up, and it will happen a lot sooner than you think. Will you then say, gee, MAYBE I made a mistake? For some reason, I dont think so, which is upsetting.
What is also a lot of gall is the fact that without a thought you blame ALL of this pain on US, like we're these evil creatures out to do you wrong because we dont care about you, we're too busy, look at us, we're just having tons of FUN FUN FUN!!!!!! ...with "everyone else" and we dont give a rat's ass about anyone!!!!!!!! Sure, Tanya with her injury, (by the way, whats this about saying "just have surgery"? Have you any idea the risks of that?) causing her pain and illness all the time, and not even getting time to spend with her husband, Kara with her ongoing struggles at home, not to mention the prospect of being jobless when there is still a life to live and problems to solve, and I won't even start on my issues because if I get into it I will feel the need to explain them (once again, why should I have to do that), and I really don't have the energy for that right now.
Also, just a note. The emotion level, is full of everybody's happiness and pain. To do such a close concentration on it may be drawing in other soul's energy as well as your own, which may cause such a shut down, because it is an overload of everybody's baggage. Be careful with such exercises when you are new to them, as things like this can happen if you are unaware. There are also a lot of negative soul who dwell in that area, and people who are weak there can be used for victims of a psychic attack. Do not concentrate on such a powerful force all at once. The emotional level is one that is used by the negative force to play into soul's weakness. If you cannot control it, it will keep you where it wants you, which is quite the opposite of a healing process. Unless you can combat such a force, keep away from such places. (And seriously don't argue because I am sincerely giving you advice here...)
Also, when one keeps their attention on their pain, isnt that what the negative force wants? For people to never be happy? So try your darnedest not to dwell on it, otherwise, like I said above, its just going to breed more. Think of yourself as having a sheild in front of you. Every time you give in to something negative, it eats holes in that sheild, and it can no longer protect you from the negative forces. So honestly, just dont let it.
If that sounds too simple, well, I'm sorry. Like I said, I say what I know and that is all I can give you. But really, a lot of things are simply explained, but just more difficult to execute. Unfortunately, those things just require doing. The more time you take analyzing why something isnt going to work, the more its going to not work for you. Just say you are going to do something and do it. Its sort of willpower, sort of not. You could say, oh if I do such and such its not going to help me, cuz blah blah (insert 1000 excuses here), and then blah blah will happen, and I dont want to do blah blah blah. You know how repetition can create things? Yeah. This is the reason why some things are only changed by immediately changing them, and there is no way around that.
So once again I end up advising when I don't intend to. Since I started this two days ago though, I am understandably a bit more calmed down. Regardless, I am still extremely upset. And if this is going to lead to response after painful response, well, then fuck it indeed. I am not only hurt because this is aimed at me, but also those I love as well. And when someone attacks people I care for, and I have said this to you before, I get freaking pissed off. You may have noticed that I wasn't the only person who responded this time, and I am glad of it. Maybe between the three of us you'll pick up something out of this? (Hoping for something not along the lines of "Damn them (or any particular one of us) anyways, they just dont understand"? IE: refer to blame paragraph?) Seriously, even people who this wasn't directed to got upset by your entry. Doesn't that tell you anything?
Remember the thing I always say about not chasing things you want because you are chasing it away? You say you are feeling alienated, but keep doing things to alienate yourself (ie: degrading us online instead of just approaching us). Every time we try to bring you back, it starts again...because the temporary symptoms, not the cause, are being treated. I am trying to tell you you need to work on that cause. And you need to find that yourself, not look to us, because nobody can see as far inside you as you can yourself.
I have become tired.
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